Chess Edinburgh lewischessmen2-75h 

Chandler Cornered

The Sun + The Toilet + The Poem

Today Tommy Sheridan (59) denied that he played
and lost a game of Chess to Amy Officer (11).

"Lies all lies." bellowed Tommy.

I tracked down Tommy and showed him the picture.

"Made up by MI5." Howled Tommy.

I showed him the game.

"Obviously a fabrication from your scheming evil mind."

Here is the game that appeared in the Scotland on Sunday.

[Click here to replay the game]
A.Officer - T.Sheridan

1.e4 c6 2.d4 d5 3.e5 e6 4.Nf3 Bb4 5.c3 Ba5 6.Bd3 Na6 7.0-0 c5 8.Ba6 ba6 9.dc5 Qc7 10.b4 Rb8 11.Qa4 Rb5 12.Na3 Bd7 13.Nb5 Bb5 14.Qa5 Qb7 15.Rd1 d4 16.Rd4 f6 17.ef6 Nf6 18.Qd8 Kf7 19.Ne5

Amy Officer, who wants world peace, loves little children and
runs three marathons a week for charity was later quoted as saying:

"We did play and I did win."

Tommy later admitted he did play Amy but then added...

"...she kept going to the toilet to consult a computer."

I consulted computer expert Professor Hackendabush (106).

"Well if you put the game into Fritz it plays exactly
the same moves as Tommy did. So I summise that it was
Tommy who went to the toilet to get his moves from a computer."

Amy (11) top of her class at The All Saints School
for Exceptionally Gifted Children recalled...

"Yes he did disappear after each move.
I thought he was topping up his sun tan."

And Now This.
Far away in another part of the country
Jack Straw (26) was trying to pass a law stating that all
female muslim chess players had to play without a veil.

"You could get strong players disguising themselves
as muslims and playing at the lower boards in league matches."

Meanwhile two new veiled female Wandering Dragons have been
seen wandering (wandering gedditt..?) around Edinburgh.
One has shifty eyes, the other smokes a cigar.
Both Jannic Konarski (33) and Bill Falconer (83) have been
posted missing and unavailable for comment.

Kramnik (6) v Topalov (8)
Did anybody see the press release posted just after
the fiasco about the toilet and cheating?

Press release
Coincidence Statistics of the moves of GM Kramnik with
recommendations of the chess program Fritz 9

Elista, October 4, 2006
After very detailed analyze of all games of the match we
would like to present to your attention coincidence statistics
of the moves of GM Kramnik with recommendations of chess program Fritz 9.

First game: From 75 moves: After the 12th move of Topalov Ba6,
a novelty, from 65 remaining moves - 41 moves match with the
first line of Fritz 9 (63% of matches).

Second game From 63 moves: After 17th move, where the theory ends,
from remaining 46 moves- 40 moves match with the
first line of Fritz 9 (87 % of matches).

Third game From 38 moves: after 10th move, when the theory ends,
from 46 remaining moves- 40 match with the
first line of Fritz 9 (86 % of matches).

Forth game: From 54 moves: After 14th move, when the theory ends,
from 40 remaining moves- 30 match with the
first line of Fritz 9 (75% of matches).

Sixth game: From 31 moves: After 13th move, when the theory ends,
from 18 remaining moves - 14 match with the
first line of Fritz9. (78% of matches).

Thus, out of 5 games - 78 % of GM Kramnik's moves match
with the first line of Fritz 9.

Sincerely Silvio Danailov (44)

I'm sorry but this is just a complete load of cods wallop.

Players are now required to not only out think their
opponents but also play moves not even thought of by Fritz.

Can somebody with a bit of time on their hands please
check out Fischer-Spassky 1972 and tell me how many of
Fischer's moves match with the first line of Fritz 9.

If it is more than 70% then Bobby obviously cheated!

(I would do myself but when the pirated copies of Fritz 9
were being handed out in Bells I skimmed my free CD
like a frisbee across the road. It's on the church roof
opposite Bells. Most of the other CD's were been used as beer mats.)

Here is a picture of the players rest room.
They retire here to relax in between moves.

Why do they pander to these people.
They should stay on stage in sight of everyone.
If they want to go to the toilet then they should
use the public loo. What a farce.

And now this....

Alastair White (92) has sent us in a little poem

There once was a fellow called 'Vlad-imir'
who would drive his opponents quite 'mad-imir'.
He'd go to the 'loo'
and then what he'd do
is play moves which were good and not 'bad-imir'

Says Topa and Dani his 'minder'
"This fellow he's playing a 'blinder';
He's using a 'Fritz'
on the loo while he 'sitz' -
that's cheating, I think you will find-er."

So a protest goes off to Ilyumzh-in-off
Saying 'please can we cordon the 'Rest Room-in-off'?
We need it imposed
That this closet is closed
And that might help take our gloom-in-off".

But this was no good for our Vlad-dy
It made him both angr-y and mad-dy
"I've been badly betrayed
over the contract we made
and I'm not gonna play with this bad-die."

So Kirsan from Moscow was brought
to deal with this heinous plot.
He said "It's a pity;
So I'll sack the committee
But on the forfeit I can't do a lot."

This isn't the end of the story
And the match is sure to get 'gory'
For it's surely not 'fair'
that the score is 'all square'
So let's hope there's furore no more-ey.

Alastair White

And Finally...

Staying with the current news and a comic.
Great Britain are to enter a football team to
play in the 2012 Olympics. This has caused a minor flurry
with all countries claiming they will lose their identity.

People seem to forget that in 1984 Olympics Great Britain
got to the football final and beat Magador(?) 3-2.

Well according to The Victor on the 18th August,1984 they did.

There was some touch tackling. Look at what
this Magadorian player did to one of our lads.

Here is the 3rd and gold winning goal.

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