Chess Edinburgh lewischessmen2-75h 

Chandler Cornered

A Day in the Life of Terry Purkins

A Day in the Life of Terry Purkins.

For the benefit of those outside Edinburgh, Mr Terry Purkins
is the President of The Edinburgh Chess League.
This is a post he has held for more than 20 years.
As every year goes by and Terry gets older, Jannic Konarski and I
argue about who has put the most wrinkles on his forehead.

One day Terry will step down and I hope when that sad day comes
it will not just be to a polite round of applause at a fixtures meeting.

We should get him a plaque, a shield, an engraved something.

I'm serious. How about we name a trophy after Terry?
The Terry Purkins Fair Play Shield.
It will be awarded to any team that has not been involved
in a dispute of any kind over a season.
(I fear it will only come out once every ten years...Ed)

A Day in the Life of Terry Purkins.

The phone wakes Terry from a deep sleep.
The Captain of Musselburgh 2 calls to say last night
Wandering Dragons turned up with 3 Glasgow players graded
over 2200. They did not put them in their team.
But looked like they were going too.
Terry said he would look into it.

The Balerno Captain calls to say he is putting in writing a
very strong complaint as to the recent behavior of a Livingstone player.
Terry said he would look into it.

The League Secretary calls to say he has just received
a totally blank result card.
Terry said he would look in it.

The Balerno Captain calls again. Has he received the letter?
Terry replies "no" but will look into it when it arrives.

The Captain of Edinburgh 2 claims at last night's game v Edinburgh
West they had a 10p piece as pawn on board 6.
He wants to claim the match because Edinburgh West failed to supply
six full sets. Edinburgh 2 had been beaten 6-0.
Terry said he would look into it.

9:10am (at work)
Terry is called from a meeting to answer the phone.
It's Jannic Konarski asking if Terry can suppress the printing
of any league tables. He then explains an elaborate plan to hoodwink Ladbrokes.
Terry replies with an emphatic "NO!"
He makes a mental note to look into it.

The League Secretary again. The second post has brought
a score card with the scores 8-3 from a six board match.
Terry said he will look into it.

The Bank of Scotland captain on the line.
At last night's match v Sandy Bells 2 the Bells board 3 player
slipped a mobile phone into the jacket pocket of the Bank's board 3.
Halfway through the game the mobile phone rang.
When the surprised Bank of Scotland player answered the mobile
He was greeted with a message telling him he had just lost the game.
The Bells board 3 player was not in the room at the time.
Terry said he will look into it.

The League Secretary again. He has just had Jannic Konarski on the phone.
Jannic has volunteered to get the league tables published in the Evening News
so the League Secretary gave Jannic the Evening News contact number.
Upon reflection he feels this might not have been a good idea.
Terry said he will look into it.

The wife of the Badgers Brook board 5 calls.
Her husband has not returned home from last night's match.
Does Terry have any idea where he is?
Terry replies he has no idea but will look into it.

The Balerno captain calls to say he is furious that Terry has not
taken any action against the Livingstone player and hangs up.

Terry is having his lunch when a colleague appears in the staff canteen
to tell him he has a very important phone call.
Terry rushes back to his desk.
It's the Corstorphine board 2 player. He lost a game last night in
11 moves. Can Terry recommend any good books on the Sicilian?
Terry said he will look into it.

Back at the Canteen Terry discover his unfinished
meal has been taken away by the kitchen staff.
Terry complains.
The supervisor of the kitchen staff said he would look into it.

Back from lunch Terry finds a message on his answering machine.
Its the Badgers Brook board 5. If his wife calls, Terry is to tell
her he stayed over at Terry's house last night.

The Edinburgh West secretary calls to say last night one of the
Edinburgh Chess Club players nicked a 10p piece that was being
used as a pawn on board 6.
Terry said he will look into it.

The Balerno captain calls to say the Livingstone player in
question has appologised the matter is now closed.
Terry replies that he is pleased a sensible outcome has been reached
and is sure the player in question was misunderstood.
The Balerno captain then accuses Terry of favoritism and hangs up.

The Evening News call to say they have just been sent a list of
the latest league tables. They look odd. Are they correct?
Before Terry can reply the line goes dead.

The League secretary again. He has just noticed Musselburgh 1 appear
to have arranged all of their fixtures on the same night!
Terry said he will look into it.

The captain of University 2 calls, can they postpone tonight's match with Tiger Cubs?
Terry replies it's too late to postpone a match.
They need to give more than a few hours notice.

A call from someone claiming to be the secretary of the Tiger Cubs.
"It's OK if University 2 want to postpone tonight's match."
Terry says that be will OK if he hears it from Willie Rutherford.
(whispering) "Who is Willie Rutherford?..." The line goes dead.

A phone call from Willie Rutherford.
"It's OK if University 2 want to postpone tonight's match."
"I received your postcard this morning. How is Spain?" asked Terry.
(whispering) "...He's in Spain... Wants to know what the weather is like.
(more whispering)"..Have you dialed Spain on my mobile...?"
The line goes dead.

Dragons 1 captain calls. Can he get directions for Pentland Hills.
Terry gives him perfect directions for Pentland Hills.

Jannic Konarski calls.
He wants to know if Terry's incoming calls are recorded?
"No" replies Terry. Jannic hangs up.

A call from the Fraud Squad.
They want to know if Terry's incoming calls are recorded?
"Yes" replies Terry and e-mails them a transcript of the days calls.

6:01pm (Terry is home having his tea)
It's a female voice claiming to Elaine Rutherford.
"Hi my dad is in Spain. It's OK if University 2 want to cancel
tonight's match.
"Hi Elaine," replies Terry. "What colour is your hair?"
(whispers)"...what colour is my hair?..."
The line goes dead.

The Badgers Brook board 5 calls and asks Terry why he told his
wife he was not staying with him last night?
Terry explained he had already spoken with his wife before he called.
The board 5 player then wanted to know how come Terry
knew his wife's telephone number?
Terry said she called him.
The board 5 player then said why should she call you,
you have nothing to with Badgers Brook?
"I know." replied Terry and he hung up.

Lasswade call. Any idea where the Wandering Dragons are.?
Terry said he will look into it.

Willie Rutherford calls and states University 2 have not
turned up they are claiming a 6-0 default.

Terry calls the league secretary and tells him to make sure
University 2 are fined for the default.
The secretary replied that University 2 had called him and
said tonight's match was cancelled as Willie Rutherford was in Spain.
He then added the University player asked a strange question.
"What is the colour of Elaine Rutherford's hair?"

Pentland Hills call and say both Edinburgh I and Wandering Dragons
have turned up to play them.
"Dragons say you told them they were playing Pentland Hills tonight
and convinced Edinburgh they have the wrong date."
"The Edinburgh players have just left."

Terry then gives the Dragon captain directions to Lasswade and calls
Lasswade to tell them The Dragons have turned up at Pentland Hills.
Terry tries to contact the Edinburgh captain but he has his mobile switched off.
He calls Pentland Hills and tells them to send their board 6 after Edinburgh
and get them to come back.

A call from a lawyer saying that Terry is being cited in a divorce
case involving the Badgers Brook board 5.

Pentland Hills call to say that Lasswade have just turned up to
play the Dragons.

Dragons call to say nobody is at Lasswade they are claiming a 6-0 default.

Terry is informed that Lasswade are heading back to Lasswade.

The traffic police call to say they have arrested a man for dangerous
driving. He claims that he told to do it by a Mr Purkins.
Terry has to go down to the police station tomorrow.

The League secretary calls to say that Edinburgh 1 have just called
and they think there is a mix up with league dates.
The league Secretary thinks Edinburgh should be playing Pentland tonight

The Captain of Civil Service 1 calls.
In the background Terry can hear fierce shouting.
"Can a player still Castle if he has been in check?"
Terry patiently explains the rules of the game.

Lasswade call and say as the Dragons have not turned up
they are claiming the match 6-0.

Terry is watching the news and learns that the Fraud Squad and
Ladbrokes have foiled an ingenious betting coup.
Police have arrested one man and expect to arrest another shortly.
Terry feels slightly uneasy.

Terry calls the League secretary. But just as he answers the phone
the League secretary is called away to a knock at the door.
Terry hangs on for 20 minutes but nobody came back to the phone.

Pentland Hills call, they are claiming a 6-0 default
because Edinburgh turned up but did not play.
Terry said he will look into it.

Edinburgh 1 call, they are claiming a 6-0 default because Pentland Hills
told them they were playing the Dragons and left.
They also claim a Pentland Hills player tried to
run them off the road.
Terry said he will look into it.

The League secretary calls. He has been arrested by the Fraud Squad.
He is sharing a cell with Jannic Konarski.
This is his one phone call. what should do?
Terry said he will look into it.

A call from the Juniper Green captain. He is refusing to sign the
result card because the Edinburgh 3 Captain has put the grades where
the pin numbers should go and the pin numbers where the grades should go.
He is now claiming the match (which he lost 5-1), a 6-0 default.
Terry said he will look into it.

The captain of Edinburgh 3 calls to say the Juniper Green captain
will not give him back his result card.
Terry said he will look into it.

The Balerno captains calls and now says the Livingstone player
he was complaining about was NOT a Livingstone player but a
spectator who just happened to be there.
The Balerno captain insists Terry writes him a full apology.

The Civil Service 1 captain has finally got his hands
on a rule book and calls Terry to dispute the rules.
Terry is on the phone for 45 minutes.

Corstorphine call to say they cannot get through to the League secretary.

Terry has disconnected the phone. He reflects upon the day...

He is President of a Chess League whose players do not know the rules.
It appears to be populated with thieves, idiots and tricksters.
He is being named as the third party in a love triangle.
He has cars full of Chess players going back and forth between Lasswade and Pentland.
He is being held responsible for the arrest of a man driving dangerously.
He has to write an apology for something he knows nothing about.
He has half a dozen default claims to sort out.
His League secretary is facing 5 years in jail.
Konarski will probably get off scott free.
And now two grown men are playing tug-of-war with a results card.

Terry opens up a bottle of Whiskey and pours himself a large one.
"Wait till Chandler finds out," he mutters to himself.

(never read so much rubbish in my life - everyone knows Terry drinks red wine -Ed)

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